Over the past few months, my training as a mediator has led me to dive deep into the topic of conflict resolution.
And I had to realize:
I'm not good at resolving conflict
I thought it would be so simple.
When I first discovered the potential of conflict resolution a few years ago and began exploring it more deeply, I truly believed things would only get better from there.
I saw how much it helped Pia and me to speak more openly in our relationship. And I thought I could apply that same approach to all my other relationships.
This kicked off a painful learning process. I began to understand more clearly that I’m still far from where I want to be. Just because I have theoretical ideas about how to deal with conflict doesn’t mean I can put them into practice.
What’s become increasingly clear to me is that every conflict and every relationship is different and comes with its own unique challenges. And that I’m still far from being the kind of communicator I want to be when things get tough.
This often led to mutual hurt and feelings of powerlessness.
How I want to take responsibility
The topic of responsibility has become more and more central to me in recent months.
I’ve realized that trying to change other people doesn’t really help. But I can work on the things that are actually within my control. Right now, that includes:
- Mindfulness: I’m learning to notice how I’m feeling in the moment, when I’m stressed and less resilient in conflict—which can lead to escalation. With more mindfulness, I’m able to recognize when I’ve been emotionally triggered in a conversation and suggest taking a break. I can also learn when it makes sense for me to engage in a conflict and when it doesn’t. I’m currently working on this through practices like journaling and meditation.
- Communication: I’m trying to proactively offer suggestions for how I can take responsibility for resolving the conflict—turning an us vs. them into a togetherness. I’m working on expressing what’s going on inside me in a way that sounds less accusatory when I bring up difficult topics. Right now, that includes studying Nonviolent Communication and reading Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life.
- Letting emotions flow: I’ve often felt like a lightning rod, uncontrollably discharging pent-up societal violence in the form of anger. To reduce that, I’m working on letting my grief move through me more consciously, as I describe in this post: Transmute / Anger Letter. Alongside stream of consciousness writing, I’m currently exploring other methods like somatic practices.
- Shadow work: I’m exploring the patterns I’ve repeated in past relationships and conflicts. Right now, that includes themes like the rescuer and learning to hold space for contradiction.
I love conflict
I love how much I learn about others and about myself—through conflict.
I love doing relationship work with people and striving together to show up more fully for one another.
It’s often a painful process to move from an against each other to a with each other again. But the deeper connection and increased trust that successful conflict resolution can bring has always been worth it.